exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
