my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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