I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
