The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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