one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
