What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
