My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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