Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
