That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
