cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
