Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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