There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
