i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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