I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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