Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
