My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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