life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
