just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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