You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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