Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
