Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
