I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
