Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
