the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
