i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
