Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
