it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
