I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
