all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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