So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
