Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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