Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
