I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
3pm strippers are depressing
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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