Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
