That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
