I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
