after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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