I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
