I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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