Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
