Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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