did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
