I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
