I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
