There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
