Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
