i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
