next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
