drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can you repeat that, but with context?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
