He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
