There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
