I want to walk on stilts...naked
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
