I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
